Simple Rules from the Enterprise
by Cleoselene
Summary: Just some basic rules written by Tempest (my oc)
1. Chapter 1

1. Tribble launching guns are banned

In my Defense it DID work on the invading Klingons

2. Phaser tag is banned

Stop being a killjoy Spock  
>They were only set to STUN<p>

3. When leaving somewhere do not say "live long and prosper bitches"

Spock and any other Vulcan finds it offensive

4. Your war cry can't be "live long and die motherfuckers" either

Vulcans find this offensive as well

5. Do NOT avoid or aid anyone in escaping their medical

Kirk,  
>Btw<br>I did NOT give you away to Mccoy  
>Spock did<p>

6. 21st century video games are banned

Call of duty night did not go as planned

7. Do not repeatedly challenge Spock to any games requiring logic

Face it Kirk  
>You LOST<br>Multiple times

8. Don't ask Spock your math problems

I have been informed he is not to be used as your personal calculator

9. Do not put a sign in the mess hall saying "Do not feed the Vulcan"

Spock doesn't get human humor

10. If at first you do succeed try not to look so impressed

This goes for you Kirk

11. Personal phasers come in two types, hand phasers and phaser rifles, NOT SMGS

Kirk's just jealous about how awesome my phaser smg is

12. Do not ask about my souvenirs from around the galaxy

I have a large variety of weapons from various planets

13. Do not blame your stupidness on YOLO

This one needs little explaining

14. When told you have your medical do not do the following

Say just give me a fifteen minute head start and then book it down the hallway (kirk)  
>Sob and say why does the universe hate me and continue sobbing (again kirk)<br>Say I'm busy. Make an appointment and I might get to it next year. (Me)  
>Say let me find a jar to contain my happiness and then walk off (also Me)<p>

15. Do not put a box in the recreation room and ask if anyone hears a ticking noise

Everyone on this ship is paranoid as it is

16. Do not set the intercom to play any so on repeat

Scotty is still trying to get it to stop playing Wreaking Ball

17. Do not start playing Taylor Swift music whenever Spock and Uhura kiss in front of Kirk

The Command crew and just about everyone that's NOT the three of them find this hilarious

18. Do not yell "i'm surrounded by idiots exept Spock, and maybe Uhura, and Mccoy" ((and then continue listing everyone then Kirk))

You're better at just telling kirk "you're an idiot"

19. No beaming animals onto the enterprise

Someone decided it would be funny to beam in about three dozen kittens  
>Two weeks later and we're still trying to track some of the down<p>

20. Don't pick on Pavel

If you do  
>They'll never find the body<p>

21. There is NOT a distillery in Engineering

Even if there was were would anyone be able to get the plants to CREATE alcohol

22. On a similar notice my fenced and covered off area of the botany lab is fenced and covered for a reason

Just pretend it's not there

23. Strip poker is not to be played

Next time i'm going to knock and wait 10 seconds before entering the recreation room

24. Do not put up a kill counter in the mess hall

We do not need to know who killed more

25. Pavel does not need The Talk

Just please stop trying to give it to him


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:

Kirk: you know you forgot to do this last time

Me: I KNOW, you told me already

Spock: you told her 4,087 times already to be exact

Me: I do not own Star Trek, only myself *storms off*

26. Do not give in to Pavel's puppy eyes

Pavel is 18, his "puppy eyes" shouldn't work

27. Do not let Pavel or Kirk have ANYTHING sweet

You'll be surprised how little amount of sugar it takes to get the hyper

And how much damage they can cause

28. Similarly, do not sent a sugar-high Pavel onto another vessel

Just because he can do a lot of damage on sugar onboard the enterprise

Do not give him sugar and beam him onto a Romulan vessel

Your lucky the kid's still alive

29. Pavel is 18 and not to be referred to as the kid

I might have did this on one to many occasions

30. To whomever is "Boldly" going in engineering. stop

We are sick of cleaning up suspicious puddles

31. When asked what's the Starfleet regulated course of action the following are not the right answer

You mean you don't know (McCoy to Kirk)

Hell if I know (Sulu to Kirk)

Tell the klingons no one's available to take your call please leave a message after the beep (me to Kirk)

32. If Scotty is cooking on real honest to god non-replicated food night, your better off using the replicator

We're just lucky not everyone showed up that night

So there were still people to run the ship

33. Do not make fun of my Starship models

My models are actually functional and are to scale in practically every aspect

The only aspect they aren't to scale is there cannon power

Instead they can only stun

Thank god for Sulu

34. I DO NOT make cookies for every time someone gets injured

I only do it for Checkov

And that's because the command crew gives me death threats until I do

35. Jefferies tubes are for maintenance NOT for avoiding your medical

I'm pretty sure Scotty is not going to close you in next time Kirk

36. Do not make fun of my unarmed training practice against Spock

I have tried, and failed to take down Spock about 1,200 times now

For some reason the command crew finds that funny

I've showed just how good I've gotten on Sulu by pinning him to the ground

He claims it's not a fair win because I didn't give him enough time to get ready

I gave him 5 seconds

37. If told to report to the bridge immediately, please take time and put on some clothes

Kirk, we DID NOT need to see you naked

38. Everyone on this ship is sane

Some by some point percentage but still sane

39. Do not question any of the Command Crew's tactics

Again the are ALL sane

Surprisingly

40. Experimental technology should be labeled as such

McCoy is tired of treating cuts and burns that could easily have been prevented

Engineering is getting tired of fixing holes in various objects

41. Do not write your reports in texting terms

Kirk's ok with it

Starfleet however, is not

42. If ANYTHING or ANYONE follows you home you can not keep it

Pavel take that puppy back from wherever you found it

43. Do not warn Jim of his medical exams a few days ahead of time

We do not need or want to give him time to hide

44. Do not go around picking up random objects and asking if it's edible

Saddly, someone (me) may say yes even if it's not

45. Do not practice your throwing knife skills in proximity of anyone else

Kirk I only took of a bit of your hair

And IT WILL GROW BACK

yes I know it takes time

46. Do not dye anyone's uniform

Someone managed to dye ALL of the command uniforms blue

All the science and medical uniforms red and

all the security and engineering uniforms yellow

We are now down at least 10 science and medical officers because of this incident

47. Do not twerk at Klingons

Kirk, sometimes I wonder why you're not dead yet

The klingons were REALLY out for blood this time

48. Going with rule 48, do not start a twerk team

Kirk, your alone on this one (Sulu and Scotty)

49. Do not ask anyone "how stupid can you get"

Sulu takes this as a challenge

50. If your going to prank someone make sure you can outrun them or outsmart them

This sadly means no more pranking Spock


End file.
